Recently, while checking out a movie, a wife said that she and her husband were trying to come up with creative things to do in the bedroom because, it wasn’t so much that their sex life had become boring, but “it is stale and repetitive” (which gee, sure does sound like a definition of boring to me — LOL). It’s not the first time I’ve heard that because some of my own clients in real life bring that very issue up from time to time.
What’s interesting about boredom, though, is a variety of things can be the root cause of it: a lack of interest, no sense of purpose, stress or anxiety or having a short attention span are some of the popular reasons. And that’s why, whenever a couple presents boredom to me, especially sexual boredom, I encourage them to figure out what they mean when they use the word. Knowing that can help to point them in the direction of what they need to do next (seeing a sex therapist might be the way to go — check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”).
Today? Today we’re gonna address another definition of boring: “monotonous or repetitive activities.” What should you do when, what you find to be boring is your partner’s body? It’s not because you don’t love them anymore or even that you don’t still enjoy intimacy with them — it’s just that you are in an exclusive (if you’re dating) or monogamous (if you’re married — check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”) dynamic, what do you do when you kind of feel like the visuals are hella predictable which can make intimacy a bit…well, drab?
Listen, just because folks may not talk about it openly, that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a real issue. If it’s something that you’re currently experiencing right now — don’t feel bad or guilty. Sex has seasons just like almost everything in life. The key is to handle this season responsibly. These 10 tips are designed to help you to do that…so that you can get the excitement (of your partner’s body) back into your bedroom again.
1. DressUp for Dates
Give pushback if you want to, yet it’s my personal opinion that the pandemic still has a chokehold on a lot of us when it comes to fashion — or the lack thereof. It’s like lockdown had us used to being in PJs and joggers for so long that far too many people are still struggling to actually dress up. That’s a shame too because if you wanna see our people show up and all the way out, put a woman in a little black dress and a man in a tailored suit. WHEW.
And just what does that have to do with today’s topic? Well, think about gifts that you’ve received in the past. What made them more appealing? When someone just handed them to you out of a shopping bag or when they made the time to “dress them up” in some fancy wrapping paper or a gift bag and some pretty tissue paper? Our bodies are similar because, well, just think about it — no matter how often you’ve seen your man with no clothes on, when he’s all dressed up, doesn’t he turn into a level of fine that makes him super sexy and hella appealing again?
That’s why my first tip would be for the two of you to not just go out on dates more than you currently are but to DRESS UP for them too. Seeing how good he looks in his clothes in public can motivate you to want to take them off in private.
2.Schedule a Professional Photoshoot and Post Them in Your Bedroom
Since a fair amount of my friends are entertainment industry folks, they are good for taking professional pictures. No, I don’t mean asking someone to use their phone to capture them while they are on stage. I mean that they schedule a photoshoot with a reputable photographer — and you know what? As much as I see some of these people, I continue to be awed by what photographers can bring out of them…hell, just with the lighting alone.
The same thing can happen for how you see your man. Yep, book a photoshoot — one that consists of consulting with the photographer about what your partner would look best in. Once the shoot is done, go through the pictures, select 1-4 of your faves, blow them up a bit, and then mount or frame them in your bedroom. Walking into the space where you probably have the most sex and seeing him at his best is the type of visual turn-on that is absolutely underrated.
3. Go“All Out Sexy” in the Bedroom
Sometimes the truth hurts and if you and your partner have been going to bed looking like who-shot-what, chances are, you’re not bored, what you are is low-key irritated — and you absolutely should be. The reality is most of us spend at least 6-8 hours a night in bed and if someone is in there with us, we should stop acting like they don’t want something appealing to look at. So, this coming weekend, y’all should make some time to hop online and select some attractively seductive sleepwear. It doesn’t always have to be a lace teddy for you or expensive silk boxers for him but damn, at least a really cute tank and booty shorts for you and some boxer briefs that are in your favorite color for him. Sex or not…tease each other a lil’ bit. Visually.
4.PlayAround with Lighting
Personally, I find myself doing more online shopping and then altering whatever doesn’t fit the way that I like. A part of the reason why I prefer going this route is because the lighting that’s in a lot of stores? Oh, how they suck. Yeah, lighting can really alter our perception of so many things — which is why changing your lighting also makes the list of what you can do if you are in a season of being bored with your partner’s body. See how he looks under candlelight. See how he looks as a “red light special” (shout-out to TLC’s song and visual and how well actor Boris Kodjoe is aging — the real ones know).
LED lights that sync up to music? Those are bomb as well. I’m telling you, I don’t care how much of a “rerun” it might be, a Black man in some cool blue or warm gold lighting is sexy, sexy, sexy…and then some.
5.Use Blindfolds (More Often)
When you get a chance, check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever.” Then afterwards, pick up a couple of (more) blindfolds. Part of the reason why blindfolds are such a staple for foreplay (especially) is because, when one of your five senses — sight, touch, hearing, taste, and sound — is subdued, that ends up amplifying the other four that remain (more on that in a bit). And chile, when you’re blindfolded during sex, not only does it increase anticipation about whatever is coming your way, but it can also help your imagination to run wild — and that can be quite the aphrodisiac.
6.GiveErotic Massages
When it comes to sex, specifically, something that I appreciate about the art of the massage is it encourages people to focus on not-so-common parts of the body (a common one? Check out “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage”). For instance, sensual massages are all about slowing down and using your hands to not only focus on one part/area of someone else’s body but to do some exploring too.
And even though the main purpose of an erotic massage is to touch the parts of your partner that will turn them on, it’s still a massage that is all about touching lightly, using body parts other than your hands, and exploring new ways to turn your partner on. Since giving a massage is a way to encourage you to exercise a bit of restraint, that can “build you up” to have the desire to indulge in your partner’s body more — whether you’ve experienced it dozens of times before or not.
7.ExploreOther Erogenous Zones
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” isn’t exactly a motto that I would recommend for the bedroom. The main reason why is because, if you’re not careful, it can cause you to become pretty lazy on the sexual tip — and that is never good. That being said if you’re at the point where you’re feeling a bit bored with your partner’s body, this (probably) means that you both have learned “which buttons to push” when it comes to sexually pleasing one another.
And that means it’s time to explore some new territory. If you already know their favorite erogenous zones, determine in your mind to learn some different ones — some “uncharted territory,” if you will. Healthline once published an article that said there are a little over 30 different ones out here. Can you honestly say that you’ve tested each and every one of those out? C’mon now.
8. Focus on Your Other Four Senses
Looking at your partner’s body only covers one of the five senses: sight. Okay, but what efforts are you putting into hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling? For hearing, how’s y’all’s dirty talk game been lately? Touch? Bring in different sex toys and fabrics to see what can cultivate new sensations. Tasting? Well, read “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious” and then try something new.
Smell? Scents that have been proven to be sexually arousing include jasmine, vanilla, rose, sandalwood, patchouli, cinnamon, and a blend of pumpkin and lavender (especially if they’re placed in erogenous-zoned spots). Honing in on the other senses can make you appreciate sight more. Try it. I think that you will like it.
9.Thinkof Their “Best” Body Part. Have Sex in That Position.
No matter how often you’ve seen his body before, I’m willing to bet that you’ve got a favorite part. Think about it and then figure out which sex position will give you the best view of it. If it’s his chest, get on top. If it’s his legs, fellatio counts as sex because oral sex is sex. If it’s his torso, have him penetrate you while he’s standing up. I could expound yet y’all get my drift.
And if I didn’t mention your favorite part, check out SheKnows’s “69 Sex Positions to Put on Your Bucket List Immediately” to get some inspiration — because how can you not see his body as eye candy when you’re looking at the part of it you like the most as you’re receiving all kinds of pleasure. Whew.
10.Recorda Session (or Two)
Ever made a sex tape before? Although I will be the first to say that you need to exercise extreme discretion when it comes to this tip — if you’ve been having sex with someone long enough to experience bouts of boredom with their body, I’m assuming that you’ve built up some trust over time (right?). Anyway, something that’s sexy about a sex tape is it can help you to see you and your partner from another angle/perspective — and that also can be pretty damn appealing. So, if it’s something that the two of you have never tried…try it. Looking at the two of you enjoying each other can give you a greater appreciation for his body — and what it has the ability to do to you.
BONUS:Ask Yourself If You’re “Bored” or “Not Attracted”
It’s kind of a full-circle moment with this one because, as I bring this to a close, I’ve got to put on record that it really is one thing to be bored — another entirely to not be attracted. Case in point — when it comes to one of my exes, the sex itself was actually pretty good. Still, I had to kind of “force myself” sometimes through it because I wasn’t very attracted to him…not ever really (you’d be amazed how much that can happen when you like the person’s personality and not so much their looks).
Although I will NEVER put myself in that position again, sometimes people are so invested in their relationship that they don’t just want to end it due to this alone. If that is what you are going through, please speak with a therapist/counselor/life coach. Depending on how deep the issues go, they may be able to provide you with some tips and tools to make things easier.
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One thing about boredom is that creativity can totally help it out. And what this means is a part of what creates boredom is laziness (ouch) or a lack of intention. And what this means is if you’re willing to do something about the current state of boredom that you are going through, there is a big chance that you can get rid of it. No matter what the cause of it may be.
Try the steps. Report back. Something tells me that you might feel better about things in your bedroom.
Just a hunch.
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